fri-day....yep it basically fried my day. today isn't really a good day for me to say yep. except for the few hours that i am studying and doing housework chores...you know swept the floor then mop it. sometimes it just gets me wondering, bcos i somehow find joy in doing all these, as in when you are doing all the work you basically do not think through your troubles and stuff... yep just you yourself and your broom and whatsoever that you are holding. sometimes it makes you wonder what life is really about.

hmm apart from this, its the totally unproductive hours spent on the internet. but somehow today's internet stuff totally shocked me in a way or so... maybe i wasn't IT savvy enough in the past to be able to track all these stuff. but now i kinda did it. not that you have to be a pro in computers or what, but it is the way that my brain functions now. a brain with more IT information. i spent almost an hour reading stuff. stuff that doesn't belong to me at all. stuff that is deemed to be lost in what i call internet's lost space. stuff that made me understand what has happened in the past. then all these things that i have read, made me think that i have been going through such a pure life. for these past years, i have to say i have a very clear direction of where i am heading for my future. i have been very rational and logical in everything that i do. i believe in putting my best and total seriousness in everything that i do. but maybe all these things shouldn't be happening to a teenager like me. maybe someone will say that teenage years is how you still enjoy your life when you are in total mess or when you are in total confusion, lost in whatever you think you might be in. but hey, all these things dun seem to be happening to me. simply bcos everything is happening in such a logical way for me. maybe it is bcos i have set myself into a mould that is created by my brother that i clearly know what i should be doing and what i should not. maybe in terms of achievements i have done it. but what about my life?

i still remember Bruce Almighty, where he got this job to be the God. in a simply high tech way. responding to e-mails which are made up of people's prayers. a yes or a no to what they asked for as a responce to their e-mail... sometimes i have been wanting to be in that position, where i can put yes to everything in my life, so i dun need to worry so much...but again maybe i want to put a yes to a request to step backwards into my past and simply press the delete button and start writing my life from that period again. bcos i may want to meet this person earlier or meet that person earlier... do what i deem right to have the best of my life...maybe life would be of absolute different scenario from now. maybe i may want to step into someone else's life and help that person press the delete button. that painful past that may be haunting all of us, no matter what it is, i hope i can just press the delete button and let it go, maybe into God's trash bin...but is tt all just a waste of time day dreaming... bcos there isn't even a delete button in God's e-mail protocol.

oh wells...life is just like that.... definitely i have learnt things from people who just come and go away from my life. learnt more things from people who stayed longer. but is there a picture where you can paint it and make the person you want, to stay in your life permanently? i certainly do hope i can do just that. the one hour that i spent, really gave me a reflection on what i have been doing this year. bcos it has certainly changed me by so much so much. the change of life in a junior college, the vienna trip and all, it just leave me with so much to think of. sometimes i really want to do nothing but just stay there and do nothing but just think of all that has happened...maybe i shouldn't have done certain things and maybe i should have done it... there is alot of "ifs"...but life just go on that fast, where basically it is never possible to change anything.

on a side note, something happened to my dad. i really hope it will never turn out to be serious stuff... but just suddenly i realize that i haven been paying much attention to him for a long time. i must try to make it up somehow, so i will never have any regrets again when it comes to the point again. it leaves me again to put in more effort to retain the people around me to stay in this picture for a good long time and not just come and go without a trace. its time to change...and one last thing which i come across on the net..."maybe it just takes so much to understand a person...but the more you did, the more you regret it? "....